Divorce....

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As if....

As if I need a reminder of the blessings in my life? Right? Wrong! Sometimes I forget how BIG I'm blessed... I like to think that I am not alone in this... that it happens to everyone. It's ok... you don't have to admit it ;)

So... I found these pictures on my work computer today and I thought I'd share them with you... just little reminders of how BIG I'm blessed...

2012

2012

Summer, 2011

LOVE this picture of Bug... Summer 2011 (before she let Bear hack her hair off)

Just a swingin' (2011?)

Feedin the ducks. 2011?

Splish splash, I was takin a bath? 2011(?)

Easter 2011... this was the first time in a long long time that I felt good in a dress... and also splurged on some super cute high wedges...

Again, Summer 2011... Bug looks so much like me when I was young.

Easter 2011.. before we left for church

Summer 2011... I just love Bear's little face!

Love song for my someday husband....

I wanna be the one who knows everything about you
I wanna be the one who’s always on your mind
I wanna be the one to get all of your affection and attention
You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for, for all this time

And I can’t imagine anything, anything better than

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

I wanna be the one who does everything with you
Watching stars, washing cars, taking walks, going to the store
I wanna be the one who gets to change her last name someday
To something that sounds something more like yours

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I'll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say

If I had life my way, I would not be divorced. I would not be a single mom... I would be married, although my marriage would be worlds different than what it really was (I'm sure every person who ever got divorced ever says the same thing)... I just can't help but feel like I was MADE to be married... this is not a thought I keep dreaming on my own. In fact, Momma has made mention of this thought too on more than one occasion.

I just don't like being alone. I know I should know that I'm not alone. I have a Heavenly Daddy that loves me, and is always there, no matter what. I have friends that I can run to with anything, and they help keep me grounded... but friends are not the same... I have yet to convince one of my friends to come hang out with me after my kids go to bed... I'm not complaining about that really.... I know it sounds like I am.. but I sometimes feel like I drive my friends batty with my 'it's after the kids are in bed, and the house is quiet, and I'm lonely, please talk me out of my madness' texting. No one has said that, it's just my mind running there.

I know I am surrounded by people that love me, I know that God loves me... I don't think I'm doubting the love of God, or the love of my friends and family... I just lately feel like I'm searching for SOMETHING... someone... somplace where my heart feels like this is where I'm meant to be... Looking back, I can't say I ever really felt it when I was married... which makes me sad.. but at least now I can call it what it is... I thought I had found the place my heart belonged last year; I thought I had found my 'perfection'... but even just now lookin back on all that that relationship was, I guess it wasn't all I thought either (ok, that is about as close as I will get right now to sayin that maybe, just maybe, I was clinging soo tightly to what I wanted to be true that I refused to see what wasn't)... I can say that I felt safer in my last relationship than I did in my marriage... but I can see, too, that it wasn't exactly the 'perfection' I wanted to believe it was, the 'perfection' I wanted everyone else to see. So I think that's a step too... hopefully it's a step in the right direction...

I also totally know that I don't need a  man to be happy... my worth, my value  doesn't come from being married or being single. I know that my value comes from God... I know that He is where my heart truly belongs... I know that I need to lean into Him, and ask Him to be whatever I need: friend, comforter, husband, listener... I apparently can be a never ending list of needy...

I know that I have things in my life.... I wouldn't call them character flaws really, but just areas where I need work.. areas that aren't all that they could be, should be... areas that fall short of what God is calling me for... Areas that HAVE to be dealt with before I can move on into ANY relationship that's worth anything. In a recent conversation with Veronica, I confessed to her that I don't want my girls to be like me... I don't want them to think, like I do, that they need a man to be happy, to be complete, to give them worth. Her response? "You have to show them to live their lives only for God... to be soo in love with Him that only the man He creates for them can even catch their attention... Teach them to search for God, not men." All together now... WHOA! I immediately started smiling, and cryin, and texted her back that I know that she meant that advice for me to use toward my girls, but she didn't know how much I needed that to use on myself...

So, in the interim... I've been thinking about what kinda life I would want my girls to imitate... what kinda relationships would I want them to want to have, in the scope of marriage? I would want them to take away from me that our worth comes from God... we are His priceless treasure... we are real life Princesses. I would want them to see that my relationships, and hopefully eventually a marriage relationship, brought glory and honor to God. It's amazing how much having kids makes me think about things in ways I never would have before.

All that roundy round to get back to the point that I can't help but feeling that I am meant to be married... I am meant to be someone's partner in life.... I keep having this dream... just about every single night... where I see my wedding... and not so much that I see it.. but that I can smell the flowers, the hair spray in my hair, the perfume I wear... I can feel the weight of the dress, the goosebumps when I enter the sanctuary for the first time, the excitement I get when I look down and see my groom... I can see the details so clearly, the details are always the same... from my maid of honor to my children, older, walking down as flower girls or junior bridesmaids...even seeing the month and date on a program... where I see my name.... the first couple times, before my last relationship ended I saw him at the end of the aisle, and he got clearer and clearer the closer I got.... but lately I can't make out the groom at all, other than he's there waitin on me, and he's tall (which could be anyone really since I'm a tad on the short side).... I can't make out his face at all... even the times I have seen the program with the date on it, I can make out my name and the other wedding party names, but never the groom's name. Strange...

Veronica tells me she thinks this dream may actually be a vision... I think she may be right... lately, I keep hearing a Tenth Avenue North song, EVERYTIME I start my car... I always seem to hone in on the line that says 'why are you still looking for love? why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?' Veronica, in her infinite wisdom, tells me that she thinks it's God tryin to tell me to be still, stop searching for other things, and learn to fully rely on Him, learn to only want Him... 'until you learn what ever God wants you to know, you're going to be alone' she says... And I think she's right!

I think God is tryin to show me that I need to quite searching, like He isn't enough for my life... I need to stop lookin for love... and become so in love with Him that it will take a super special man to get my attention. I think my dream is God's way of tellin me I will get married again, just not tomorrow... So, in the mean time... I have a love song for my someday husband and a list of manquirements...

Halloween 2012 (better late than never)

I'm finally getting around to getting the pictures from Halloween posted.... Better late than never right? At least that's what I tell myself, so we're just gonna go with it. Anyhows.... the company that I work for, as I have said before, loves to eat. We will use any excuse to party and have food. Halloween was no different. We were all invited to dress up in work appropriate costumes (which let me just say is a challenge!) and bring food to snack on. We even had a 'guess how many candy corns is in the pretty jar' contest....I am so not good at those things....

Speakin of work appropriate costumes... GEEZ! I am appalled frankly at the costumes available for women today! I mean...it doesn't help that I'm fluffier than I like.. but really I'm not all that sure that I would wear some of the options available today even if I wasn't! Is there a nice way to say that most of them looked like you belonged on the street corner? Trying to find one that wasn't all 'Oh, yes I have boobs and yes, here I'll show em to ya for free' or 'Oh, you like big butts, and you can not lie? Well have a peek at mine' was disheartening... I finally had decided I would wear Momma's leather motorcycle chaps and make myself a rodeo cowgirl sign and go as a cowgirl... That was after my dear friend Veronica had tried to save the day with a cowgirl costume she already had... I guess I should have been more terrified when she told me the name was, in fact, Shot Glass Cowgirl...

So.... I get to Momma's house Halloween morning, and go to try on the chaps (that were bought as a joke by the way, so no one has ever worn them.... at least that I know of).... yeah.... Well, they fit in the waist, so I was stoked about that (that was my concern really)... but holy schmoly! I don't know how big this person's legs were, but had I been able to wear them I surely would've lost a leg by the end of the day.... and the zipper on the other leg was broken anyways... so that was another no go... Momma finally saved the day and let me wear Daddy's old Navy uniform. So I went as a sailor... I have a whole new respect for the men in uniform! It was HOT.... and not 'ooh I'm so cute, I'm hot' like temperature HOT....

The group of us that dressed up for Halloween

 

Bear had a Halloween parade at her school, so she got to wear her octopus costume to school. She also took Great 'Gampa' with her as her "lunch date". She was so excited... And thankfully everyone knew what she was (I was worried about that). My biology teacher had canceled class that night so we could take our kiddos and enjoy Halloween... so after work I went to Momma's and got the girls ready to go to the Trunk or Treat at church.

 

Glenda the Good Witch and a baby Octopus

Bug was supposed to be Glenda the Good Witch... The dress was mine when I was younger. I was a flower girl in a wedding (yes, it was in the 80s).... and then I wore it for Easter in 89 I think.... Momma kept it all this time and finally gave me it and the dress I wore on the first day of school. The girls have been DYING to play in the fluffy 80s dress forever. So when Bug's owl costume idea got tanked, Momma had the idea to just buy her a crown and make her a princess... or try and find her a different witch hat and have her be a peach witch. So I took that idea and ran with it! And since Wizard of OZ is one of my all time favortie movies, Glenda the Good Witch was born.  

 

I put a spell on you
 



I'm super octopus woman!

First stop of the night

Bear made me give her 'Octopus hair'... I had no idea what that meant... but she wanted me to put 8 little pigtails all over her head... then she found Momma's stash of glittery barrettes and put those all over her head because 'Octopus have to have jewels Mommy'.... Where she comes up with this stuff, I have no idea... We stopped over at Great Grandma and 'Gampa's' house first because they wanted to see Bug all dressed up in her costume. After that, we headed off to Trunk or Treat. Let me just mention the challenge that was getting Octobear in her car seat... I didn't think of that when I agreed she could go as an octopus... but we got it figured out with only a minor fit.

At Trunk or Treat, Bug got a little upset because everyone kept callin her a princess. I guess the rest of the world is not up to par on their Wizard of Oz knowledge... or maybe the crown threw them off.... either way, she spent most of the night correcting people (like her momma, she can't let things go either....). Bear's costume was a huge hit! One guy even commented that it was the coolest thing he'd seen all night! That made my night, honestly...

We left Trunk or Treat and headed home... cold and tired, but it was soo much fun! The girls had a blast, and I only had a couple temporary lonely/freak out moments.... So that made for a good night I think. Truly, as much as it kills me to have to raise these little ones by myself, I am SO blessed. I am so thankful that these memories are mine, and mine only, and I don't have to share them with anyone else. I am hopeful that one day when my kids look back at their lives, and at the times when it was just us three.... they will look back and smile because it was just us three.... and they will know how much that time meant to me.... I hope that they will see that everything I did, everything I do, is because of them....

I'm dreamin... come wake me up....

Music speaks to me... really speaks to me.. to the point where I have to really watch what I let myself listen to. Music can either make me really really happy, and really really uplift me... or it can take me to dark places that I don't really like to go, it can make me depressed and sad, and make me think about things that I thought I was done with....

I go thru phases of what music I listen to, or I used to anyways...I used to listen to a lot of country music... and while I still love it... I have found that lately it makes me think about things I don't really want to think about... it takes me back to the second time my life got turned upside down... the second time someone claimed to love me, promised to never leave... and then left anyways... the second time I let someone in, and did what I always do... loved without reservation, without questions.... lately country reminds me of that person, and I just can't... I just can't go there... it hurts too much...

So, I've been making  a concentrated effort to only listen to uplifting music, or music that doesn't make me think about the painful things... music that doesn't bring up the memories that used to make me smile so much, and now make me wanna grab a box of tissues and a carton of Ben and Jerry's and hide in my closet... So it's been Christian radio, or worship CDs in the car.. and Rick and Bubba talk radio or Dave Ramsey on my radio at work... But the last 2 days, my radio at work has crapped out, and the only station I've been able to get is the local country station.... Are you kiddin me right now?? Nope.... so... I've been strugglin thru the days.. because country music is far better than no music to me honestly.. and if I were to be totally honest, it hasn't been THAT much of a struggle.. I've been busy, and I've done a pretty good job of tuning it out....

Until today... EVERY. SONG. TODAY. makes me think about things... makes me remember... and more than once I've had to run to the bathroom to wash my face because I've worked myself up so much. I shouldn't have worn makeup today, that's how bad it's been LOL! Really, music to me is a blessing and a curse the way it has the power to move me so...

So.. this song (below) by Rascall Flatts... Come Wake Me Up.. pretty well speaks what I feel at the moment.... well, except for the drinking and smoking bits... but just the emotion of it... When I'm busy, and going, and have things to do... when life is all crazy and wound up and loud, then it drowns out my thoughts, my memories, my hurt... but at night, when the girls go to bed, and I'm alone... that's when it hits me and I can barely keep my head above water...



I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming

Sometimes, this rebuilding I'm tryin to do sucks... and it's hard, and I wanna just give up... And I feel alone.. and like no one knows the struggle I go thru... Part of that is my own fault, because I don't want to be found lacking, I don't want people to know how much I'm hurting.. I want people to think I've got it all together, even though I so don't...

Then I heard this line... 'I'm afraid of changin cuz I built my life around you'... again from another song... and it hit me like a ton of bricks... In my marriage, and the relationship that followed.. I built my life around those men... I built my life around the wrong thing! It wasn't fair to them, it's not fair to me... I am afraid of change... Terrified, frozen... but I'm getting there.. slowly I'm becoming less afraid of change... My life is changing, has changed, in tremendous ways! And hard as it is, hard as it has been, nothing has killed me yet.... So maybe I just need to keep puttin one little foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in this life. Build my life on God, be soo in love with Him that nothing will take His place... that is a struggle for me.... but I'm tryin to get better....

12 lbs lighter... again....

I know I know.... I said I would post about the girls' Halloween... and I so will.... I just have to get the pictures off my camera and onto the computer and onto the blog (I even have pictures for it!).... I promise I will get on that this week...maybe even tonight if we are lucky...

As you may remember in this post, I mentioned that part of my 3 year plan is to loose some weight before graduation. My doctor has been on me to get this under control, and I have noticed that the heavier I get the worse I feel.... and I am not even the heaviest I have ever been (thank the Lord)! Add to my list of posts with pictures one that includes pictures of the progress....

When I was pregnant with Bear, I got up to 200lbs! At only five foot tall, you can imagine how whale-ish I must have looked.... It was scary, and scarier still is that I didn't realize I was that large... In fairness, I was pregnant and was all belly... from behind you couldn't tell I was pregnant (other than the prego lady waddle). After Bear was born, I immediately went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was still 180!) and I was happy as a clam... or at least I acted like I was.

See, I had never been heavy... not until I had kids and didn't really care what I ate or if I worked out or anything. As long as my husband still thought I was cute, I figured I was golden. Plus, losing weight is tough... and I don't really like to do tough stuff.... So, internally I struggled with being 'fluffy' and not liking myself....

In August of 2010, I decided it was time to 'get serious' (yeah right...) and had a friend who had lost 80lbs while her husband was deployed. I got all motivated, bought new cute work out clothes, found a friend with an extra copy of the Insanity workout videos, and took 'before' pictures and measurements.... I was shocked! I was sitting at 196lbs.... 4lbs less than when I had delivered Bear.... I cried.. and then sat down and ate cheesecake....  So much for motivation....

In September of 2010, my husband of  9 years walked out.... I was crushed.... that is another painful post that I am not really ready to get into... but long story short, the girls and I left Texas in November. As I was packing up my house, I tripped over the scale in my bathroom... I figured what the heck, and stepped on it for the first time since August... to my surprise I had gone from 196 to 174! I was stoked! I took pictures to track my progess and started a 'Transformation' album on Facebook.... I sent them to my momma and asked if she could tell a difference.... I had found my motivation again! I could see a difference in my pictures, and my friends had started noticing as well.

I made a goal called "Operation 30 by 30" which was basically I wanted to lose another 30lbs by my 30th birthday in May. And by February of 2011, I was down to 165. And I was so excited and motivated! But, then I started working... and I wasn't living with Momma and Daddy anymore.... and I had a hard time making working out a priority... and then the company I work for LOVES to eat... we have food parties for EVERYTHING.... add to that a new relationship and a knee injury, and the weight slowly crept back up. I had totally stopped working out, I had totally stopped watching what I ate. I figured my pants still fit (barely) and my new boyfriend wasn't complaining about how I looked (really) so I must be fine....

In January 2012, I started going back to school... and worrying about weight and working out and eating right really flew out the window... I mean, really it was more like I tossed it out while flying down the interstate at 90 miles an hour.... In March I had to have my gall bladder removed. As my doctor was telling me the 'Four F's' they look for when ruling out gall bladder, I hit all but 1 of them... The 'Four F's' by the way are Female, Fertile, Forty, and Fat.... yeah... the only one I didn't hit was Forty.... hearing your doctor try nicely to get around telling you that you are fat isn't pleasant, just sayin... and I have the most socially awkward doctor on the planet (but he's great and I love him!).... I weighed in at the hospital on the day of surgery at 183.... I cried... and I thought 'ok, this is it... you have got to get a grip and get this weight off'... but after I got out of the hospital, I did nothing.... I made it thru the first semester of school and thought I was doing good.... I broke down and bought bigger jeans, and I had scrubs in my closet that I couldn't wear anymore because they were uncomfortable and I couldn't squeeze myself into them anymore... but I thought things were great... no one was telling me I was fluffy (except my doctor, and really what does he know), and my boyfriend still told me I was beautiful....

Then in May, a few days before summer semester at school started back, my year long relationship ended... and I was crushed again... My first thought was 'if I could get this weight off, then maybe that will help win him back'... (pathetic... I know...) I struggled thru that summer semester and when I finally got brave enough to step on my scale I saw 188lbs.... I had nearly gained back all the weight I lost in 2010.... Again.. I cried (I'm starting to see a pattern here...) but this time I am determined to do something more than cry about it!

I get that there is nothing wrong with me... the way I look has nothing to do with my marriage falling apart, or my latest relationship ending. I get that, but I forget that alot too. I'm working on that... I just know that if I were to be 100% totally honest, I would have to say that I haven't been happy with myself in a long time.... I haven't liked the way I looked for a while... and I haven't felt good either, physically and mentally. I want to be a healthy example for my kids... I want to be around to see them have grow up and get married and have kids... I want to embarrass them because I am their mom, not because of how fluffy I am....

And for the first time since my weight became an issue in my brain, I actually prayed about it.... and I felt God tell me 'You CAN do this, but you have to let ME help you'. And as of yesterday (about a month into the 'time to get serious for reals') I have lost 12 pounds! And my dad noticed! I still have a ways to go, but I'm going... it's coming off, and I am excited!




Eww... so I basically lost 2 of these so far....

 Just a picture... to remind myself of what I've accomplished so far... and to hopefully keep me from going back...

Bringin' the cuteness this Halloween

I will post more pictures after Halloween tomorrow, but I had to share this! Bear is infatuated with octopus lately... octopus and hedgehogs... and cats... but anyhows... As we were deciding what they would be for Halloween, Bear consistently said she wanted to be 'a purple baby octopus!'... Bug changed her mind several times (she is my daughter after all).... First she wanted to be a witch, so I bought a cutesy little orange and black witch's fascinator hat, and was going to make her a gorgeous black and orange full full tutu... but the fascinator was too big. And then I had to open my big mouth and mention that there may have been owl costumes at Old Navy... so then Bug wanted to be an owl.... well I get the prize for "Mom of the Year" because by the time I got around to going back to Old Navy they were all sold out of Bug's size. Great! Now what.... Never fear, her costume is solid, and she loves it.... but its not finished yet (yes, I know Halloween is tomorrow) and so you'll have to wait.

Bear on the other hand, as I said, consistently knew what she wanted to be. At first I thought "Octopus! What craziness is this?!" but then I thought that would be SOOOO cute! So... after I planned out how to make said octopus costume, the hunt began for 4 pairs of matching purple knee high socks.... I had everyone and their mother that I know lookin for 4 pairs of matching purple knee socks! I was beginning to think all hope was lost... Then, I stopped at Target (which I should have done first anyways) because they always have super cute socks for cheap (like $1.00 cheap) and I LOVE me some cutesy patterned socks..... anyhows.... I found 4 pairs of purple and hot pink chevron striped knee high socks! $2.00 a pair! SCORE! I may or may not have also bought myself a pair of grey socks with blue hedgehogs on them.... So now I have my 'legs'..... I needed to find a plain long sleeve shirt to match or coordinate... did I mention I wanted PLAIN? What the heck happened to just plain solid color shirts?! I swear... I was having a little bit of a freak out moment... then I finally found a solid purple shirt... it has a pocket but at that point I wasn't going to be too picky.... til I realized that the only sizes available were 2t and 5t.... geez! Are you kiddin me?! Ah, what the heck, I bought a 2t and said a prayer because Bear is still teeny... and in the mean time I thought I would still hunt for a plain colored long sleeve purple shirt..... I also snagged some hot pink leggings that were on clearance (Bear is in a leggings phase lately...) for her to wear under the costume.

Now, the original plan was to stuff 6 of the knee socks and sew them to the bottom of the shirt and have Bear wear the last pair... except... I bought WOMEN'S knee socks... not toddler knee socks... So we stuffed ALL. EIGHT. SOCKS. Great times, great times... I went to sew them on the bottom of her shirt... And then I momentarily had a panic attack because these 'legs' looked ginormous and I just knew they wouldn't all fit on this teeny little shirt I bought...
This is the conversation I had with myself:

Me: Geez.... all 8 of these things won't fit on this teeny little shirt... great now what!
Brain: Take 2 off... just sew 6 on there... it'll be fine...
Me: I can't just sew 6 legs on there! Octopus have 8 legs! Not 6!
Brain: She's 3, she won't know... no one will notice
Me: Yes they will! Because even if they don't notice, I will tell them there are only 6 legs on her costume when there shoulda been 8!
Brain: Or how bout you just pin em on and see if they fit...
Me: Oh, I didn't do that did I?

So... I pinned them, and all 8 fit on the bottom of the shirt... When I was all done and showed Bear, she got so excited! She tried it on (because then I freaked out thinking the 2t shirt would be insanely too small) and looked at me with the biggest smile ever. She said "Momma, can I spin? Can I twirl and make my legs fly?" Yes, baby you can spin, you can twirl. She twirled around and made those lil octopus legs fly! And then we took her picture...

Sorry for this fuzzy picture,  it's from my cell phone.... but she was just tooo cute! After I took her picture, she smiled at me and said "This is the best oppopus (she has a hard time saying 'octopus') costume ever! Mommy, you're awesome! You're the best!" Seriously... made it sooo worth it. Seeing this picture makes my heart bigger... I am so blessed.

Just call me Taylor, yo...

So, this is a bit of a disclaimer for all you lovelies. Get ready for it.... Ok... So just sayin... this is MY blog, and it's about MY life. Therefore, it kinda goes without sayin that if you are or ever have been a part of my life, you may or may not end up in a post or 2 (or 10...).

I will try and not embarrass you (any more than usual)... and I will try to not bring out the ugly guns and post anything rude or hateful about you... Or at least IF I feel like I need to get some ugliness out, I won't mention any names.. how bout that?

And of course, I'm not a complete loser... so first of all if I plan on using any pictures of y'all I will for sure try and remember to ask first (and yes, I will try and make sure they are nice, non embarrassing pictures). This may not even be an issue, since I am having a hard time remembering to take pictures of life anyhows.... And I also will give you super duper nicknames so your real life names aren't floating around the blogosphere.... You can even pick your own alias if you like...

I just thought I would throw this out there... Think of it as kinda a 'if you are my friend, enemy, random dude at Publix... basically if I see you, you may end up in the pages of my blog' warning... Kinda like the warning all men should know about Taylor Swift - "break up with me and I'll ruin you in a song"... Although... I'm pretty sure this blog will never ever make me famous.... and I really don't plan on writing anythin bad about anybody... but there it is. ;)

Plan your work, work your plan

So... I came up with a 3 year plan... Whoa is about all I can  say to describe what I feel right now... It's kinda been a rough week (and Lord it's only Wednesday!).... so yeah, that's about all I can muster at this moment....

So anyhow... As I said, I've been having a rough week... Well, not rough rough... just like so far 1 day (Sunday) has been rough... and rough is describing Sunday nicely. So, Monday I woke up and just felt deflated, defeated, and just didn't even want to try in general... But... I've got kids to feed, and education to get, and people to prove wrong... so I drag myself out of bed and lazy walk to the shower.. While I was in the shower, I started praying (as I normally do... and since I get sidetracked ALOT, this may be why my showers take so long... God and I have a lot of talkin to do...) and I started hearing this line from a song over and over again in my head... Had it not been a Christian song, I would have thought it was Satan trying to distract me.. but anyways, I kept hearing "I need a reset, I need a restart, put the drumbeat back in my heart". Well, ya know I do feel like I need a reset.. especially after the ugly that was Sunday.... And I figure that the only way to get the kinda reset I need is by a time of prayer and fasting. So, as soon as I get out of the shower I send out a couple of texts to my 'support group' and tell them what I'm setting out to do. I should probably mention, that I get up at about 4 in the morning to start getting ready so this text was sent WAAAYYYY early (sorry guys).



my favorite....


Now... Monday went really really good.... I started off the day praying (started in the shower duh), then after I decided that I was in need of a serious do over, I prayed while I was getting the girls over to Momma's... I just simply said 'I know You are my portion, and You will provide all I need...' And that was it... I mean, that's all I could even think to say at this point... I tell you what... I wasn't hungry all day, I didn't crave Dr. Pepper all day, I was able to walk past the chocolate temptation at work... I was actually HAPPY and chipper for not havin eaten anything... Weird... Not weird... GOD. So Monday, I start thinking about my life, and how I feel like I'm chasing my tail, or runnin a race on a treadmill.... A friend had suggested I make a list of priorities, daily if I need to, and focus on those one at a time instead of trying to focus on everything all at once.... Well.. I thought... it's worth a shot... I dunno, I just decided it was time to make a plan for my life (now, I am a moment planner, a romantic planner.. a relationship planner, I hate surprises... but I have never actually made a plan for my life.... really)... So, here comes the 3 year plan....

*October 2012- I need to sell my Jeep this month, and buy a cheapo beater car that gets better gas mileage... Spending $600 a month in gas is a tad cray cray.... (also, October 14 is when the school starts sending out acceptance or try again letters for the spring nursing program)

*In 1 year (ish)- Graduate nursing school (with a 3.9 GPA). I say 'ish' as far as time because I'm not really sure how long it will take.. I know that the nursing program is 5 semesters long (7 if you go part time) but that includes your general education classes, and I'm getting those knocked out right now (I'm on my 3rd semester...)
             *By graduation, I want to be on Dave Ramsey's Baby step 4.. which basically means I will have all my debts paid, and have 6 months of living expenses set aside as an emergency fund....
              * Also, by graduation, I want to be closer to a healthier weight... like 50ish lbs less than where I am TODAY.... Trust me, there will be a post about all that mess later....
              *At my graduation, I want the biggest cheering section EVER... and a huge party, just sayin
              *After graduation I have to find a job, so I can put this new education to good use.... Although, I mean hopefully I'll have a job lined up before I graduate, but I'm not sure how that works and all....
              *Once I get a job, and get kinda settled into the job, I want to pay cash for a nice used-ish car... (totally making Dave Ramsey proud)... I had thought about a BMW or Lexus, but I think maintenance on those is crazy out the roof, sooo maybe not... but whatevs I just want something nicer than my beater...

*In 3 years- I want to buy a house... a house that's mine, and not one that I'm renting from Momma and Daddy.... Part of me thinks it would be awesome awesome to be able to pay cash for a house, but I will settle for having a nice down payment stashed away....



Tryin to make ya proud, Dave...


So that is my plan.... I wrote it down and stuck it to my fridge so I won't get discouraged... I mean, I know I'll get discouraged... 3 years is a long time, but it will go fast... I just meant to keep me on track when I do get discouraged and want to quit. I am happy to notice that my 3 year plan doesn't include the words 'find a man and get married' (as my 'plan' 11 years ago did)... That's a big step for me...I hate hate hate being single.. always have... I just don't like being lonely.. I don't even know why I hate it so much, I just do... But... I have 2 little girls to think about... and I have a list of manquirements that I don't think I want to compromise on... I mean.. I settled 10 years ago, and look where it got me... So this time I'm just not going to settle... I'm also not making it a priority to go mantrollin... God will take care of it...

All day Monday, I kept hearing this manly man voice talkin to me... and it would YELL when I started getting worried or worked up over memories... It kept saying to me "Stop worrying over this small stuff. I will make you the head and not the tail". I'm convinced it was God's voice speakin to me...especially since I felt soo much peace everytime I heard it....

So, of course I also text my 'support group' and tell them my 3 year plan... I am jokingly calling them my support group. These are people I love so much, and I am sooo thankful I get to be around them.... and then when I get home from school, I tell Momma and Daddy my plan... Daddy of course has his trusty 'bubble burstin' needle with him... Lord, I swear, I am such an optimist and he is just not.... But it's all good, because Monday night I was so encouraged I wasn't going to let anything get me down.

Tuesday, I wake up... we are on day 2 of fastin and prayer... Already, let me just say I am amazed! I have fasted once before, but never felt this much peace... and I was ALWAYS hungry... always thinking of food... This time, nothing... I am just not hungry... God is amazing... So Tuesday... I grab my mail from my box (I know it's only at the end of the drive, but I just can't make myself go out there every. single. day... so my mail only gets checked about once a week.... I know...) and bring my mail to work with me... As I am getting ready to go to school, I sort thru my mail and find a letter from the hospital. Now, I had surgery in March... When I was married, I had Tricare that covered EVERYTHING 100%... it was awesome... But since I'm not married anymore, I lost that...my insurance thru work covered 80% of the surgery... but the portion I had to pay was well over $5000... insane... I just couldn't seem to make any headway with it at all... and I was getting discouraged... So anyhow, it had been suggested that I apply for financial aid from the hospital... I did, totally not thinking I would get it.. because after all, I have a job and insurance, and am not on welfare.... I was really hoping for just a teeny discount, or a more relaxed payment arrangement... so I open the letter from the hospital, and read 'You have qualified for a 100% Charitable discount'....

Now... I think this must be some mistake... I didn't ask for that, I wasn't hoping for that.... So I call them up... and explain that surely they made a mistake... The lady on the phone takes my info, puts me on hold and looks me up.... When she comes back she says 'No ma'am... there is no mistake. You're debt has been paid.'
WHOA! I totally started bawling... and thanking her, and God... and crying... Whoa... that's like $5000 in debt GONE... that's like one step of my 3 year plan DONE.... Really???

Also on Tuesday I get a phone call from Daddy at work, which like never ever happens... He said 'I just wanted you to know that I am proud of you for making your plan. You have never been a life planner, and I am just proud and surprised that you did that. Now, at the risk of sounding like a wet blanket... WRITE IT DOWN and stick it on your fridge so you won't quit when it gets hard'... That Daddy, sometimes he's pretty smart...

So, as of day 2 of my fast... I am still feeling pretty good.. still not hungry, still not craving...  Tuesday night my face hurt from how big and hard I had been smiling all day.

Enter today... Wednesday...today... Satan has just been tryin to beat me down... You know, I think Satan is kinda like an animal... you know how animals won't attack you unless you scare them... Yeah, Satan is the same way... So apparently I scared him, because he has been coming at me hardcore today... Still not hungry, still have the strength to say to him 'Get behind me' (but... he's not listening today)...

I walked on my lunch break with a friend of mine around the walking trail at Bridge Street... Bad idea when you are fighting soo hard to not think about some areas of your life... don't go to places where you have memories of that part of your life, just sayin... So.. in the middle of my tryin to hold it together, nearly bawl fest... I seriously was on the verge of just giving up... I get a phone call from Daddy (again, he like never calls me at work) 'Hey what are ya doing? Well I think I found you a beater car... it's in your price range $500!... I'm thinking I might buy it if you don't really' What?! Ok dad, lay it on me! What is it????

'A 1983 Toyota Corolla! Back from when they knew how to make cars right! It's 4 door, 4 cylinder... It's gotta get better gas mileage than Earl (my jeep)... It's only got 78,000 miles on it... I think it'd be worth lookin at and thinking about really'..... Oh... oh my.... umm... ok... well I will have to Google that dad... because I was 2 in '83 and have no idea what it looks like... Oh, it's a tin box... umm... well I was kinda hopin for something, I dunno... cuter... Oh well, yeah you are right, it is only temporary.... Ummm... yeah and if I sold the Jeep, I would have a nice little start to my emergency fund... Ok, well then can we go look this weekend??

So... looks like I'll be making Dave Ramsey waay proud if this pans out... I've already decided that if I do end up buying this car, I'm slappin a big ole DaveRamsey.com sticker on it, and I'm namin it Julio....

If you think I'm awkward, it's probably because I think you're hot...

Or probably more correctly that 'it's probably because I AM awkward'... I am awkward and quirky.... I have this need to analyze every. single. thing. And yes, generally what I come up with in my head doesn't happen, ever... but still I analyze, analyze, and analyze some more. I think whoever said 'you're beating a dead horse' was talking about me.. because I will... As soon as I think I'm done thinkin about something, another thought pops up and it starts all over again.  



Um, yes this is so me....

I generally am ok with my quirkyness...quirkiness... quirk-i-ness... whatever! It's part of what makes me, me... What kills me is that I am also a people pleaser.. so I fight with being my quirky self, or being reserved... trying to fit into whatever everyone else thinks I ought to be....

I learned in counseling that personality wise I am a camel monkey.... HA! Yes, I totally laughed out loud at her, and started singing 'camel monkey camel monkey... riding on a pig camel monkey'... yeah, you woulda had to be there... We start going thru my personality profile, and let me just say it was like SPOT ON.... the being in constant fights with myself, the getting mad at myself for doing something, or not doing something, the stubborness... all of it... Then the blow to end all... after tellin me 'Oh! You're so lucky! You have a completely balanced personality!' (YAY!) then comes the BUT (why, oh why does there ALWAYS seem to be a 'but'????)  'You're going to have  a harder time wading thru these personality issues because camels don't like monkeys'... meaning people with camel personalities typically don't like monkey personalities... Really??! Great! How exactly am I supposed to handle that??????



well... maybe sometimes...



Apparently camels by nature are people pleasers, very organized when it comes to jobs, very stubborn. We don't really like confrontation, we are finishers... we are the ones that if you hand us a project to finish, we will finish the project, then also illustrate it for you.... basically we go above and beyond what we have been asked to do ... We have a hard time delegating, we CRAVE control (did I mention I have this need to control everything...), basically to a camel no one is going to do what needs to be done the way we would do it so it's wrong and we will just do it ourselves.... Camels are planners, and we will NOT stray from our plan, even when we can clearly see someone else has a better, easier plan...  Camels secretely crave recognition (AKA CAMELS ARE WORDS OF AFFIRMATION PEOPLE!), only I apparently missed the memo about craving recognition secretely. But... camels also don't feel good enough.... Even if they are on top of their game, they still pick apart their successes and see things that they coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently. Perfectionist much? Yeah, that is totally me... My mom talks about when I was learning to write, and I would erase holes in my paper because it wasn't good enough...it wasn't perfect. And I am the first person to point out flaws... in myself, in my house, in EVERYTHING!  Camels, while they crave recognition and compliments, don't feel like they deserve the recognition or compliments (read... it's hard for them to take a compliment)... Like, really, dude JUST gave you a compliment! Roll with it! Don't say anything, shuuush! But I just can't. Dunno why, I just can't.... I always have to follow up a compliment with 'REALLY?? You REALLY think that??'... Seriously... it sucks....



this is me.... when I sing in my car... you have been warned...

Then, we have the monkey part of me... Now, in general, monkeys are total opposite of camels (duh, that's why camels and monkeys don't get along)... monkeys are the life of the party, they are fun, they are in the moment.... I mean, think of a monkey monkey, not a monkey person! And I'm so talkin about the cute little spider monkey, not the mean old grumpy gorrilla that bangs on the glass at the zoo... It's called a monkey personality afterall, not a gorrilla personality. Monkeys are superty cute and jovial and lil clowns... Anyhow... the down side of monkeys is that they spin out of control... they do things to compensate for their lack of planning... they make rash decisions.... I would LOVE to say that this part of the monkey personality is soo not mine... but it is.... Sadly...

TOTALLY cute, right?!



In my case, apparently I'm mostly camel.. ok I can dig it... As long as I don't develop humps to store water we're good... Eh nevermind... I'll deal with those in a bit... But... when my camel parts get too overwhelmed, over worked, over stressed... anything negative... I revert to monkey girl... and not the cute little monkeys in the suits that dance and play cymbals... you know the ones you just wanna hug! (oh wait, maybe that's just me)... No, no sadly my monkey business presents itself in the rash decision making, the spinning out of control, the overcompensation... Pretty much, when I get stressed out, I get all the bads parts of monkey and none of the good parts... Sigh...



TOTALLY scary... and sadly, this is how I feel sometimes....



Then, once camel woman decides to pull her head outta the sand, use her wonderful super amazin camel strengths, and straighten things out, I berate myself for the mistakes I made as monkey girl! I CAN'T. LET. IT. GO..... And this is why camels and monkeys aren't friends, or it takes work for them to be friends... Only, what do you do when you have a camel and a monkey livin in the same person?? I mean, as much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to run away from myself sometimes, you just can't.... trust me I've thought about it... ALOT....

I guess the only other thoughts I have are these... While I am sooooo not in love with my awkwardness, my faults, all the ugly to me parts I try to hide (just sayin, I should probably just give up trying to hide it and fly my lil battered freak flag with pride)..... I am totally willing to admit my character flaws... I will be the first to tell you I am superbly stubborn... I will be the first to tell you I crave crave crave words of affirmation, I will openly admit to never feeling good enough and I will tell you the areas of my life where I struggle and constantly fall short. I think we are supposed to do that I mean, own our faults or admit them... I mean I think if we don't isn't that kinda like lying, and people are gonna see you for what you are anyways so why not just come out with your good AND your bad.... maybe that's just me....  I don't tell you these things so you can beat me down with them (please don't... I do enough of that on my own...) or use them against me, or to even make you question my self esteem (because I don't think admitting that I am soooo far from perfection and have flaws and struggle and am not good at math is a self esteem issue...).... Rather, I tell you this things so you will know me, all of me and not just the positive parts... There are some things I will try and keep hidden, mainly the parts that hurt hurt hurt and have left ginormous scars (at least they look ginormous to me) because honestly it just hurts too much sometimes to share those things... But, I'm working on being able to share those things too, because surely it would be easier to just get em out there in the open than trying to cover em up and be embarrassed when they are found out anyways.... And I'm not there yet... but every day I get a lil bit closer, and I think that's improvement....

Put me in coach....

... I'm ready to play!! Sorry, I LOVE that song.. maybe because I played centerfield when I was younger. Yeah, how cruddy is it that kids are made to feel that if you play outfield you suck? I remember when I first started playing softball... the first year I got stuck out in right field... and I cried, because the other kids in the outfield were bad, and no one wanted to take time to teach us what were doing that made us keep sucking at softball... Seriously, I wanted to quit... I mean it's bad enough to think you're going to be super awesome at something, then try and fail, but then to have a coach who would poke just as much fun of you as the other girls on your team... Uh... HELLO! We are supposed to be a team... I think I just figured out why we lost so much.... Anyhow... Daddy told me once 'suck it up, there is no crying in softball! of course they are going to make fun of you, you aren't good! but I mean, you just started! don't compare yourself to those other girls who have been playing since before they could walk! that's not fair to you!' The thing about Daddy... he may not start out with tact, but he normally wallers around enough to make a point in kind of a slap your face but nicely kinda way.... Anyhow, Daddy and I worked and worked and worked, and when I wanted to quit, he made me work more. He would always say something like 'You made a commitment to this team and you are not going to quit. I'm not going to let you. But now you have a choice.. you can either just decide you suck and never improve, and that's fine with me. Or you can come at me with all you've got and get better. That's entirely up to you, but I am not raising a quitter...' I enjoyed it really; honestly it's probably one of my most favorite memories of being with my Dad. The next year, Daddy took over coachin and boy did he get the most misfit team ever! Like, Bad News Bears bad (seriously another favorite of mine...but the original like 70s version, not the crappy Billy Bob Thornton remake version)



LOVE. this. movie.



 Basically, we were the modpodge of kids that no one else wanted... Daddy made it a point to tell every one of us no one there was better than anyone else, that every position was just as important as the next one whether you were a pitcher or a left fielder. Now, he also pointed out that some would be better at other positions than others, and we were there to practice and figure out where we fit the best... Boy, stigmas run deep, especially in the mind of 12 year old girls! No one, I mean NO ONE wanted to be 'stuck' in the outfield, myself included.. Somehow I had convinced myself I'd get to be infield since I was now a 'coach's kid'... Yeah right! My dad decided to make an example out of me (not in a bad way, hang with me) and stuck me at centerfield.... OOOH I was MAD! Like, crying to Momma (because surely Momma will see this injustice) mad....



WHAT?!



 Daddy, of course, had a good reason for makin an example out of me... The other kids figured he would be just like all the other coaches we'd had, and that my sister and I would get to play whatever infield postion we wanted just because we were the coach's kids. He was just as hard on me as he was everybody else... If I screwed up, I ran laps just like everybody else (which I really really liked, oddly enough)...

After Daddy assigned me to centerfield, I fussed and threw a fit that would do any 2 year old proud. And then I asked him 'Are ya tryin to say I suck at softball?! I THOUGHT this year would be different! I thought YOU would be different! (ouch) If all I'm ever gonna get to play is outfield, then I just quit!' (Wow... somethings never change, I'm sorry God....) After I had calmed down, Daddy and I watched Bad News Bears (LOL, true story) and had a chat.... He asked me if I really thought he put me at center because he thought I sucked at softball.. Uh, yeah Dad, I kinda do think that's why (I am 12 after all and everyone wants to be pitcher)... he said 'I put you at center because that is where you are strongest! Because that is where I need you! I need someone out there that knows where the ball is going to go, is fast enough to get there, and knows what to do with that ball once she gets it... You are my fastest player, you may not be my best player, but you are for sure one of my strongest players. You're consistent!'

I seriously wanted to be this girl! LOL!

 Whoa! Wait, what?? You think I'm fast? You think I can throw far? You think I'm pretty smart when it comes to how to play softball?? Wait, really?! (see... ALWAYS been a words of affirmation girl!). Pretty much I concluded that Daddy was telling me that centerfield was the most important positon on that team and not just anyone could play center. The more professional baseball games I watched the more I became convinced that center is the most important postition... Seriously.... you watch centerfielders... they are ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE. You don't see too many fly balls hit to center, but you will ALWAYS see a centerfielder backing up the right and left fielders, and 2nd base, and short stop (or well you should if they are any good, any good at all).... But I also noticed something else... While center may very well be the most important position, there is no I in team (blah I know I know...) and we all have to work together to make a better team... I never was good at pitching (well not slow pitch pitching at least), I never was really good at any infield postions, sometimes I wasn't even the best hitter (I think I pretty much always got a hit or walked... but I can't remember ever striking out that season), but I WAS fast, and I WAS good at center, really really good... And if I was honest, I WAS most comfortable at center (and would get MAD if anyone else tried to play center.... which didn't happen often really).

Once I realized that Daddy was right, and that my strengths really were best suited for centerfield it made a difference in the way I played every single game... My dad thought I was the best for that postion, that is where he needed me, and I was not going to let him down. If we lost, I wanted to make sure it wasn't because of something I did or didn't do. And guess what?? Other coaches, other people, other players noticed! Once I got over being mad about being "stuck" in the outfield, once I changed my way of thinking and started taking pride in my postition people noticed... My little change of heart had a big big impact!

 I think that's how life is sometimes... Some days I feel like God just stuck me in this postion because He thinks I suck at life and doesn't want to deal with me anymore (no hate mail please, I know He doesn't really think that...). I would love to say I never have any 2 year old fits with God, but yeah that would be a lie... and not just a lil white one either.... But... it seems like lately I am hearing the things that my Daddy in his softball coach hat said to me when I was 12 coming back... 'You know I don't think you suck.. I put you here because this is where you are strongest...I need your strengths, and your weaknesses, right here for now... It won't be forever, but for now, this is where I need you.'

Whoa! Wait, what?? God, you think I'm strong? You think I can do something worthwhile here? YOU NEED ME here? Well, then, who am I to argue... I may not always like it, just like I didn't always like playing centerfield... but I'm going to come at You with all I've got and get better. This is my postition, and I can either take pride in it and be the best that I can be, or I can be upset that it's not the position I wanted and not try my hardest... I guess now the only thing left to say is failure is not an option, and I will not settle for being mediocre... You don't get to be the best, you don't get to get the rewards if you don't put your whole heart into it. If I do this without giving it all I've got (just like when I played centerfield) I'm wasting my time, and everybody else's....