Saturday, November 24, 2012

Divorce....

As I type this, I am shaking a little... and already questionin whether I should even hit publish or not... But just this mornin as I was in the shower I got this overwhelmin feelin like I need to get this out... I kept having thoughts about what I should say and even got a mental picture of my page with this post on it...

So... here goes...

I got divorced.... Just that simple phrase makes me wanna bury myself, as if it's something shameful.... I got divorced March 30, 2011... But let's back up a little... I feel the need to get out all that has been buildin up for the last 10 years...

I met my husband when we were in the 5th grade.... I spent summers with my grandparents in Kansas; he was my cousin's best friend... So we met... and had summer crushes on each other until we hit high school... By the time we hit high school... I always had a boyfriend, and I kinda thought he was scrawny...  Then he went into the Marines and I didn't see him or hear from him until April of 2001. I didn't want to talk to him really... but Momma told me to be nice, that he was probably lonely and to just talk to him... Talking to him doesn't mean you have to marry him....
 He came to visit me on my birthday, and I thought he was cute... But there was never the 'omg! this is THE ONE!' feeling.. We talked and talked and talked and he asked if I would be his girlfriend... So I said yes and kinda had a naggy feelin like 'how is this gonna work? he's in North Carolina...I'm in Alabama...' I had never had a long distance relationship before...

So we started datin... He was set to deploy for 6 months in July... He sent me a package of stuff before he left... including an emerald ring (emerald is my birthstone AND my favorite). I was upset (duh, who wouldn't be)... Then the tragedy of September 11 happened... I still remember what I was doing that morning.... Not being able to speak to him or my family was horrific... I remember being so afraid that my sister and I camped out on our living room floor with steak knives and a softball bat.... for a week....

So when the communication came back up, I get an email from him.... 'Would you marry me?' it said... Of course I said yes! In that moment, I didn't think I wanted to be with out him.... We got married December 21, 2001.... And all seemed good... He deployed about every 6 months, and we got along swimmingly....

Then he got stationed in Georgia...because he was tired of being deployed all the time and wanted to be home more... Georgia is where it started to unravel.... As much as I am a 'Words of Affirmation' person, I am also a 'Time' person... spending time with me is important.... treating me like you want to be around me says a lot... Treat me like I've got the plague, and I die inside... He worked soo much, and I did too... and I understand he had to work, totally get it.. But when you have off time and you haven't seen your wife in a week and a half, you might wanna spend some time with her.... I became basically a maid, a cook, and when he was feelin frisky I was expected to put out.... Sucked...

But... I vowed 'til death do us part' and I meant it.... Just because I was miserable wasn't reason enough, biblically, to get divorced.... So I stuck it out... and thought things were gettin better...

One daughter later, pregnant with our second... He's deployed to Iraq. I decided that maybe I hadn't been all that great of a wife, that maybe I could use some improvement... I took the year and started tryin to work on fixin myself.... Because I can't make him change.... I only have control over myself... I had been having suspicions of him being unfaithful just from some emails I had seen on his computer, and how he had started being insanely secretive... But I didn't want to believe that would ever happen... How optimistic of me....

He returned from Iraq in January 2010... There was a two week lag between his return and the time that he could come to Alabama and get me and the girls... that two week lag will be important in a bit... So we move back to Texas..and it was strained at best... I imagine it had to have been hard for him to adjust to being back... being a daddy... having a new baby... I could make a million excuses, none of which would be good enough.... He wanted to spend more and more time away from home... wanted to spend more and more time hanging out with people that were not the best company... wanted to spend more and more time and money on parties and beer.... This was not the lifestyle I wanted for my children! I tried to express to him that our family needed him.... both physically and spiritually... we needed him to be there, to be the spiritual leader for our family.... He stopped coming home after that...

When he did come home in October, he simply said he was done... He didn't want to keep trying, didn't want to keep chasing something that was dead.... I was dying.... I didn't know what to do! My entire adult life I had spent being married! What do I do now? And then, there was also the fact that God hates divorce... How do I answer that??

I figured out.... God hates divorce except for the cases of adultery.... And also if you are married to a non-believer and they ask for divorce.... That last part gave me a little comfort... But I still felt like it wasn't good enough... How do I know know he is not a believer?? He told me was...but he didn't act like it... God also says we will be known by the fruit we produce... The day before I was getting ready to leave Texas, I was finishing packing up our house.... I moved some books off the book shelf and this piece of paper fell out... There, in my husband's handwriting, was a second email address and password.... I signed into the email.. and was appalled!

Remember when I said those two weeks between the time he came back to the time he came to get me in Alabama would be important.... Yeah... there were over a dozen emails in those two weeks where he was responding to personal ads from Craigslist... and then there were several more emails from where he had signed up for Fling.com and AshleyMadison.com.... those websites are for married people to find people to have affairs with.... I was shocked! What the...??! How could he??!! Wait, WHY??

I feel like, now looking back.... that was God's way of showing me that I had a biblical out.... There was adultery in that relationship.... And while I had to own the mistakes I made.. I didn't have to bear the weight of feeling like I had done something God hates.

And just know.. this is not the worst of what went on when I was married... but I feel like, while I am called to share my story... I am called to share it modestly... I'm not sure disclosin every single bad thing that went on would be beneficial to anyone, maybe I'm wrong... or maybe I'm just not ready to air it all out just yet...

SO.... almost 2 years later I am in a much better place (even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it). I will not let being divorced define me.... It's part of who I am, but it is not who I am.


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