Music speaks to me... really speaks to me.. to the point where I have to really watch what I let myself listen to. Music can either make me really really happy, and really really uplift me... or it can take me to dark places that I don't really like to go, it can make me depressed and sad, and make me think about things that I thought I was done with....
I go thru phases of what music I listen to, or I used to anyways...I used to listen to a lot of country music... and while I still love it... I have found that lately it makes me think about things I don't really want to think about... it takes me back to the second time my life got turned upside down... the second time someone claimed to love me, promised to never leave... and then left anyways... the second time I let someone in, and did what I always do... loved without reservation, without questions.... lately country reminds me of that person, and I just can't... I just can't go there... it hurts too much...
So, I've been making a concentrated effort to only listen to uplifting music, or music that doesn't make me think about the painful things... music that doesn't bring up the memories that used to make me smile so much, and now make me wanna grab a box of tissues and a carton of Ben and Jerry's and hide in my closet... So it's been Christian radio, or worship CDs in the car.. and Rick and Bubba talk radio or Dave Ramsey on my radio at work... But the last 2 days, my radio at work has crapped out, and the only station I've been able to get is the local country station.... Are you kiddin me right now?? Nope.... so... I've been strugglin thru the days.. because country music is far better than no music to me honestly.. and if I were to be totally honest, it hasn't been THAT much of a struggle.. I've been busy, and I've done a pretty good job of tuning it out....
Until today... EVERY. SONG. TODAY. makes me think about things... makes me remember... and more than once I've had to run to the bathroom to wash my face because I've worked myself up so much. I shouldn't have worn makeup today, that's how bad it's been LOL! Really, music to me is a blessing and a curse the way it has the power to move me so...
So.. this song (below) by Rascall Flatts... Come Wake Me Up.. pretty well speaks what I feel at the moment.... well, except for the drinking and smoking bits... but just the emotion of it... When I'm busy, and going, and have things to do... when life is all crazy and wound up and loud, then it drowns out my thoughts, my memories, my hurt... but at night, when the girls go to bed, and I'm alone... that's when it hits me and I can barely keep my head above water...
I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight
Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Sometimes, this rebuilding I'm tryin to do sucks... and it's hard, and I wanna just give up... And I feel alone.. and like no one knows the struggle I go thru... Part of that is my own fault, because I don't want to be found lacking, I don't want people to know how much I'm hurting.. I want people to think I've got it all together, even though I so don't...
Then I heard this line... 'I'm afraid of changin cuz I built my life around you'... again from another song... and it hit me like a ton of bricks... In my marriage, and the relationship that followed.. I built my life around those men... I built my life around the wrong thing! It wasn't fair to them, it's not fair to me... I am afraid of change... Terrified, frozen... but I'm getting there.. slowly I'm becoming less afraid of change... My life is changing, has changed, in tremendous ways! And hard as it is, hard as it has been, nothing has killed me yet.... So maybe I just need to keep puttin one little foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in this life. Build my life on God, be soo in love with Him that nothing will take His place... that is a struggle for me.... but I'm tryin to get better....
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