Monday, November 19, 2012

Love song for my someday husband....

I wanna be the one who knows everything about you
I wanna be the one who’s always on your mind
I wanna be the one to get all of your affection and attention
You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for, for all this time

And I can’t imagine anything, anything better than

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

I wanna be the one who does everything with you
Watching stars, washing cars, taking walks, going to the store
I wanna be the one who gets to change her last name someday
To something that sounds something more like yours

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I'll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say

If I had life my way, I would not be divorced. I would not be a single mom... I would be married, although my marriage would be worlds different than what it really was (I'm sure every person who ever got divorced ever says the same thing)... I just can't help but feel like I was MADE to be married... this is not a thought I keep dreaming on my own. In fact, Momma has made mention of this thought too on more than one occasion.

I just don't like being alone. I know I should know that I'm not alone. I have a Heavenly Daddy that loves me, and is always there, no matter what. I have friends that I can run to with anything, and they help keep me grounded... but friends are not the same... I have yet to convince one of my friends to come hang out with me after my kids go to bed... I'm not complaining about that really.... I know it sounds like I am.. but I sometimes feel like I drive my friends batty with my 'it's after the kids are in bed, and the house is quiet, and I'm lonely, please talk me out of my madness' texting. No one has said that, it's just my mind running there.

I know I am surrounded by people that love me, I know that God loves me... I don't think I'm doubting the love of God, or the love of my friends and family... I just lately feel like I'm searching for SOMETHING... someone... somplace where my heart feels like this is where I'm meant to be... Looking back, I can't say I ever really felt it when I was married... which makes me sad.. but at least now I can call it what it is... I thought I had found the place my heart belonged last year; I thought I had found my 'perfection'... but even just now lookin back on all that that relationship was, I guess it wasn't all I thought either (ok, that is about as close as I will get right now to sayin that maybe, just maybe, I was clinging soo tightly to what I wanted to be true that I refused to see what wasn't)... I can say that I felt safer in my last relationship than I did in my marriage... but I can see, too, that it wasn't exactly the 'perfection' I wanted to believe it was, the 'perfection' I wanted everyone else to see. So I think that's a step too... hopefully it's a step in the right direction...

I also totally know that I don't need a  man to be happy... my worth, my value  doesn't come from being married or being single. I know that my value comes from God... I know that He is where my heart truly belongs... I know that I need to lean into Him, and ask Him to be whatever I need: friend, comforter, husband, listener... I apparently can be a never ending list of needy...

I know that I have things in my life.... I wouldn't call them character flaws really, but just areas where I need work.. areas that aren't all that they could be, should be... areas that fall short of what God is calling me for... Areas that HAVE to be dealt with before I can move on into ANY relationship that's worth anything. In a recent conversation with Veronica, I confessed to her that I don't want my girls to be like me... I don't want them to think, like I do, that they need a man to be happy, to be complete, to give them worth. Her response? "You have to show them to live their lives only for God... to be soo in love with Him that only the man He creates for them can even catch their attention... Teach them to search for God, not men." All together now... WHOA! I immediately started smiling, and cryin, and texted her back that I know that she meant that advice for me to use toward my girls, but she didn't know how much I needed that to use on myself...

So, in the interim... I've been thinking about what kinda life I would want my girls to imitate... what kinda relationships would I want them to want to have, in the scope of marriage? I would want them to take away from me that our worth comes from God... we are His priceless treasure... we are real life Princesses. I would want them to see that my relationships, and hopefully eventually a marriage relationship, brought glory and honor to God. It's amazing how much having kids makes me think about things in ways I never would have before.

All that roundy round to get back to the point that I can't help but feeling that I am meant to be married... I am meant to be someone's partner in life.... I keep having this dream... just about every single night... where I see my wedding... and not so much that I see it.. but that I can smell the flowers, the hair spray in my hair, the perfume I wear... I can feel the weight of the dress, the goosebumps when I enter the sanctuary for the first time, the excitement I get when I look down and see my groom... I can see the details so clearly, the details are always the same... from my maid of honor to my children, older, walking down as flower girls or junior bridesmaids...even seeing the month and date on a program... where I see my name.... the first couple times, before my last relationship ended I saw him at the end of the aisle, and he got clearer and clearer the closer I got.... but lately I can't make out the groom at all, other than he's there waitin on me, and he's tall (which could be anyone really since I'm a tad on the short side).... I can't make out his face at all... even the times I have seen the program with the date on it, I can make out my name and the other wedding party names, but never the groom's name. Strange...

Veronica tells me she thinks this dream may actually be a vision... I think she may be right... lately, I keep hearing a Tenth Avenue North song, EVERYTIME I start my car... I always seem to hone in on the line that says 'why are you still looking for love? why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?' Veronica, in her infinite wisdom, tells me that she thinks it's God tryin to tell me to be still, stop searching for other things, and learn to fully rely on Him, learn to only want Him... 'until you learn what ever God wants you to know, you're going to be alone' she says... And I think she's right!

I think God is tryin to show me that I need to quite searching, like He isn't enough for my life... I need to stop lookin for love... and become so in love with Him that it will take a super special man to get my attention. I think my dream is God's way of tellin me I will get married again, just not tomorrow... So, in the mean time... I have a love song for my someday husband and a list of manquirements...

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