Tuesday, October 2, 2012

If you think I'm awkward, it's probably because I think you're hot...

Or probably more correctly that 'it's probably because I AM awkward'... I am awkward and quirky.... I have this need to analyze every. single. thing. And yes, generally what I come up with in my head doesn't happen, ever... but still I analyze, analyze, and analyze some more. I think whoever said 'you're beating a dead horse' was talking about me.. because I will... As soon as I think I'm done thinkin about something, another thought pops up and it starts all over again.  


Um, yes this is so me....

I generally am ok with my quirkyness...quirkiness... quirk-i-ness... whatever! It's part of what makes me, me... What kills me is that I am also a people pleaser.. so I fight with being my quirky self, or being reserved... trying to fit into whatever everyone else thinks I ought to be....

I learned in counseling that personality wise I am a camel monkey.... HA! Yes, I totally laughed out loud at her, and started singing 'camel monkey camel monkey... riding on a pig camel monkey'... yeah, you woulda had to be there... We start going thru my personality profile, and let me just say it was like SPOT ON.... the being in constant fights with myself, the getting mad at myself for doing something, or not doing something, the stubborness... all of it... Then the blow to end all... after tellin me 'Oh! You're so lucky! You have a completely balanced personality!' (YAY!) then comes the BUT (why, oh why does there ALWAYS seem to be a 'but'????)  'You're going to have  a harder time wading thru these personality issues because camels don't like monkeys'... meaning people with camel personalities typically don't like monkey personalities... Really??! Great! How exactly am I supposed to handle that??????


well... maybe sometimes...


Apparently camels by nature are people pleasers, very organized when it comes to jobs, very stubborn. We don't really like confrontation, we are finishers... we are the ones that if you hand us a project to finish, we will finish the project, then also illustrate it for you.... basically we go above and beyond what we have been asked to do ... We have a hard time delegating, we CRAVE control (did I mention I have this need to control everything...), basically to a camel no one is going to do what needs to be done the way we would do it so it's wrong and we will just do it ourselves.... Camels are planners, and we will NOT stray from our plan, even when we can clearly see someone else has a better, easier plan...  Camels secretely crave recognition (AKA CAMELS ARE WORDS OF AFFIRMATION PEOPLE!), only I apparently missed the memo about craving recognition secretely. But... camels also don't feel good enough.... Even if they are on top of their game, they still pick apart their successes and see things that they coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently. Perfectionist much? Yeah, that is totally me... My mom talks about when I was learning to write, and I would erase holes in my paper because it wasn't good enough...it wasn't perfect. And I am the first person to point out flaws... in myself, in my house, in EVERYTHING!  Camels, while they crave recognition and compliments, don't feel like they deserve the recognition or compliments (read... it's hard for them to take a compliment)... Like, really, dude JUST gave you a compliment! Roll with it! Don't say anything, shuuush! But I just can't. Dunno why, I just can't.... I always have to follow up a compliment with 'REALLY?? You REALLY think that??'... Seriously... it sucks....

this is me.... when I sing in my car... you have been warned...
Then, we have the monkey part of me... Now, in general, monkeys are total opposite of camels (duh, that's why camels and monkeys don't get along)... monkeys are the life of the party, they are fun, they are in the moment.... I mean, think of a monkey monkey, not a monkey person! And I'm so talkin about the cute little spider monkey, not the mean old grumpy gorrilla that bangs on the glass at the zoo... It's called a monkey personality afterall, not a gorrilla personality. Monkeys are superty cute and jovial and lil clowns... Anyhow... the down side of monkeys is that they spin out of control... they do things to compensate for their lack of planning... they make rash decisions.... I would LOVE to say that this part of the monkey personality is soo not mine... but it is.... Sadly...

TOTALLY cute, right?!

In my case, apparently I'm mostly camel.. ok I can dig it... As long as I don't develop humps to store water we're good... Eh nevermind... I'll deal with those in a bit... But... when my camel parts get too overwhelmed, over worked, over stressed... anything negative... I revert to monkey girl... and not the cute little monkeys in the suits that dance and play cymbals... you know the ones you just wanna hug! (oh wait, maybe that's just me)... No, no sadly my monkey business presents itself in the rash decision making, the spinning out of control, the overcompensation... Pretty much, when I get stressed out, I get all the bads parts of monkey and none of the good parts... Sigh...


TOTALLY scary... and sadly, this is how I feel sometimes....



Then, once camel woman decides to pull her head outta the sand, use her wonderful super amazin camel strengths, and straighten things out, I berate myself for the mistakes I made as monkey girl! I CAN'T. LET. IT. GO..... And this is why camels and monkeys aren't friends, or it takes work for them to be friends... Only, what do you do when you have a camel and a monkey livin in the same person?? I mean, as much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to run away from myself sometimes, you just can't.... trust me I've thought about it... ALOT....

I guess the only other thoughts I have are these... While I am sooooo not in love with my awkwardness, my faults, all the ugly to me parts I try to hide (just sayin, I should probably just give up trying to hide it and fly my lil battered freak flag with pride)..... I am totally willing to admit my character flaws... I will be the first to tell you I am superbly stubborn... I will be the first to tell you I crave crave crave words of affirmation, I will openly admit to never feeling good enough and I will tell you the areas of my life where I struggle and constantly fall short. I think we are supposed to do that I mean, own our faults or admit them... I mean I think if we don't isn't that kinda like lying, and people are gonna see you for what you are anyways so why not just come out with your good AND your bad.... maybe that's just me....  I don't tell you these things so you can beat me down with them (please don't... I do enough of that on my own...) or use them against me, or to even make you question my self esteem (because I don't think admitting that I am soooo far from perfection and have flaws and struggle and am not good at math is a self esteem issue...).... Rather, I tell you this things so you will know me, all of me and not just the positive parts... There are some things I will try and keep hidden, mainly the parts that hurt hurt hurt and have left ginormous scars (at least they look ginormous to me) because honestly it just hurts too much sometimes to share those things... But, I'm working on being able to share those things too, because surely it would be easier to just get em out there in the open than trying to cover em up and be embarrassed when they are found out anyways.... And I'm not there yet... but every day I get a lil bit closer, and I think that's improvement....

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