As you may remember in this post, I mentioned that part of my 3 year plan is to loose some weight before graduation. My doctor has been on me to get this under control, and I have noticed that the heavier I get the worse I feel.... and I am not even the heaviest I have ever been (thank the Lord)! Add to my list of posts with pictures one that includes pictures of the progress....
When I was pregnant with Bear, I got up to 200lbs! At only five foot tall, you can imagine how whale-ish I must have looked.... It was scary, and scarier still is that I didn't realize I was that large... In fairness, I was pregnant and was all belly... from behind you couldn't tell I was pregnant (other than the prego lady waddle). After Bear was born, I immediately went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was still 180!) and I was happy as a clam... or at least I acted like I was.
See, I had never been heavy... not until I had kids and didn't really care what I ate or if I worked out or anything. As long as my husband still thought I was cute, I figured I was golden. Plus, losing weight is tough... and I don't really like to do tough stuff.... So, internally I struggled with being 'fluffy' and not liking myself....
In August of 2010, I decided it was time to 'get serious' (yeah right...) and had a friend who had lost 80lbs while her husband was deployed. I got all motivated, bought new cute work out clothes, found a friend with an extra copy of the Insanity workout videos, and took 'before' pictures and measurements.... I was shocked! I was sitting at 196lbs.... 4lbs less than when I had delivered Bear.... I cried.. and then sat down and ate cheesecake.... So much for motivation....
In September of 2010, my husband of 9 years walked out.... I was crushed.... that is another painful post that I am not really ready to get into... but long story short, the girls and I left Texas in November. As I was packing up my house, I tripped over the scale in my bathroom... I figured what the heck, and stepped on it for the first time since August... to my surprise I had gone from 196 to 174! I was stoked! I took pictures to track my progess and started a 'Transformation' album on Facebook.... I sent them to my momma and asked if she could tell a difference.... I had found my motivation again! I could see a difference in my pictures, and my friends had started noticing as well.
I made a goal called "Operation 30 by 30" which was basically I wanted to lose another 30lbs by my 30th birthday in May. And by February of 2011, I was down to 165. And I was so excited and motivated! But, then I started working... and I wasn't living with Momma and Daddy anymore.... and I had a hard time making working out a priority... and then the company I work for LOVES to eat... we have food parties for EVERYTHING.... add to that a new relationship and a knee injury, and the weight slowly crept back up. I had totally stopped working out, I had totally stopped watching what I ate. I figured my pants still fit (barely) and my new boyfriend wasn't complaining about how I looked (really) so I must be fine....
In January 2012, I started going back to school... and worrying about weight and working out and eating right really flew out the window... I mean, really it was more like I tossed it out while flying down the interstate at 90 miles an hour.... In March I had to have my gall bladder removed. As my doctor was telling me the 'Four F's' they look for when ruling out gall bladder, I hit all but 1 of them... The 'Four F's' by the way are Female, Fertile, Forty, and Fat.... yeah... the only one I didn't hit was Forty.... hearing your doctor try nicely to get around telling you that you are fat isn't pleasant, just sayin... and I have the most socially awkward doctor on the planet (but he's great and I love him!).... I weighed in at the hospital on the day of surgery at 183.... I cried... and I thought 'ok, this is it... you have got to get a grip and get this weight off'... but after I got out of the hospital, I did nothing.... I made it thru the first semester of school and thought I was doing good.... I broke down and bought bigger jeans, and I had scrubs in my closet that I couldn't wear anymore because they were uncomfortable and I couldn't squeeze myself into them anymore... but I thought things were great... no one was telling me I was fluffy (except my doctor, and really what does he know), and my boyfriend still told me I was beautiful....
Then in May, a few days before summer semester at school started back, my year long relationship ended... and I was crushed again... My first thought was 'if I could get this weight off, then maybe that will help win him back'... (pathetic... I know...) I struggled thru that summer semester and when I finally got brave enough to step on my scale I saw 188lbs.... I had nearly gained back all the weight I lost in 2010.... Again.. I cried (I'm starting to see a pattern here...) but this time I am determined to do something more than cry about it!
I get that there is nothing wrong with me... the way I look has nothing to do with my marriage falling apart, or my latest relationship ending. I get that, but I forget that alot too. I'm working on that... I just know that if I were to be 100% totally honest, I would have to say that I haven't been happy with myself in a long time.... I haven't liked the way I looked for a while... and I haven't felt good either, physically and mentally. I want to be a healthy example for my kids... I want to be around to see them have grow up and get married and have kids... I want to embarrass them because I am their mom, not because of how fluffy I am....
And for the first time since my weight became an issue in my brain, I actually prayed about it.... and I felt God tell me 'You CAN do this, but you have to let ME help you'. And as of yesterday (about a month into the 'time to get serious for reals') I have lost 12 pounds! And my dad noticed! I still have a ways to go, but I'm going... it's coming off, and I am excited!
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| Eww... so I basically lost 2 of these so far.... |
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