Poor Poor Pitiful Me....

My poor pitiful blog has been feeling a bit neglected lately. Couldn't have anything at all to do with the fact that I haven't blogged since like Thanksgiving... NAH, not at all.... I told ya, I have to get used to the whole 'you're a blogger now, so you better make it a point to do interesting fabulous things on the daily!' life.....

Anyway... where was I... Oh, so yes, what has happened since I last updated? Hmm... well, of course we had Thanksgiving... It was fun. Bug and Bear enjoyed seeing Big Cheese Poppa... And of course I'm not going to complain or turn away from free food and laughs.

All of us, well sans me, ready to get our eat on... Thanksgiving 2012

I know I have mentioned before that the girls take dance and gymnastics.... Well with that comes appearances.... The first of which was the Huntsville Christmas Parade.... At the risk of agin myself, lemme just say that it has been a lotta years since this girl has been to the Christmas Parade....
Bug, Bear and I rode the float... Bug did exceptionally well, double handed waving at the crowd and screaming 'Merry Christmas!'.... Bear... not so much... nothing like sitting criss cross applesauce with a 3 year old in your lap for 2+ hours.... Then we lost her paci halfway thru (read: she threw a fit, and threw it over the side of the moving float, then got mad because I wouldn't superwoman jump off and get it).... so the last hour or so she was screaming.... Such is life.. Maybe when she graduates college we won't need one anymore.

Can you find Bear? She never goes anywhere without that paci....

Bug met Santa at the Christmas parade. Bear wanted no part of that... and my bottom half had already started to lose feeling by the time he made it to our float, so I wasn't in a position to force her to partake of all the Santa goodness... Lucky for me, er I mean HER, Bear got her chance to meet Santa at her preschool Christmas party... Yeah, can't even lie... she still didn't want any part of him...

Bug and Santa at the Christmas parade!

Bear finally met Santa.... yeah she was not impressed....

SO where was I.... oh yes, so after the Christmas Parade... I lost my job... and by lost I mean, they canned me like tuna yo... Without going into too much detail, since this IS the world wide web and all... it sucks.... I cried, even though I tried my derndest not to.... I hate for people to see me cry as it is... and I cry over EVERYTHING.... In this instance I was crying because I was sooo mad I could spit... but they didn't know that. I guess selfishly I didn't want them to think I was crying because I was sad or something.... Just sayin, if any of my former employers actually (or even maybe accidentally) stumble upon this... Those were mad mad MAD tears people.. What a way to start December! 

Christmas 2012

We made it to Christmas morning, with only a few meltdowns and 'OMG! I suck at life!' texts sent to Veronica.... You should probably go on and assume that by a few I mean a ton... Hey, I can be little dramatic sometimes.... So yes... that is our lovely family Christmas 2012 picture... I'm for real, there were NO good ones! Sigh.. it's like herdin cats around here I tell ya!

Divorce....

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As if....

As if I need a reminder of the blessings in my life? Right? Wrong! Sometimes I forget how BIG I'm blessed... I like to think that I am not alone in this... that it happens to everyone. It's ok... you don't have to admit it ;)

So... I found these pictures on my work computer today and I thought I'd share them with you... just little reminders of how BIG I'm blessed...

2012

2012

Summer, 2011

LOVE this picture of Bug... Summer 2011 (before she let Bear hack her hair off)

Just a swingin' (2011?)

Feedin the ducks. 2011?

Splish splash, I was takin a bath? 2011(?)

Easter 2011... this was the first time in a long long time that I felt good in a dress... and also splurged on some super cute high wedges...

Again, Summer 2011... Bug looks so much like me when I was young.

Easter 2011.. before we left for church

Summer 2011... I just love Bear's little face!

Love song for my someday husband....

I wanna be the one who knows everything about you
I wanna be the one who’s always on your mind
I wanna be the one to get all of your affection and attention
You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for, for all this time

And I can’t imagine anything, anything better than

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

I wanna be the one who does everything with you
Watching stars, washing cars, taking walks, going to the store
I wanna be the one who gets to change her last name someday
To something that sounds something more like yours

Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I'll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say

If I had life my way, I would not be divorced. I would not be a single mom... I would be married, although my marriage would be worlds different than what it really was (I'm sure every person who ever got divorced ever says the same thing)... I just can't help but feel like I was MADE to be married... this is not a thought I keep dreaming on my own. In fact, Momma has made mention of this thought too on more than one occasion.

I just don't like being alone. I know I should know that I'm not alone. I have a Heavenly Daddy that loves me, and is always there, no matter what. I have friends that I can run to with anything, and they help keep me grounded... but friends are not the same... I have yet to convince one of my friends to come hang out with me after my kids go to bed... I'm not complaining about that really.... I know it sounds like I am.. but I sometimes feel like I drive my friends batty with my 'it's after the kids are in bed, and the house is quiet, and I'm lonely, please talk me out of my madness' texting. No one has said that, it's just my mind running there.

I know I am surrounded by people that love me, I know that God loves me... I don't think I'm doubting the love of God, or the love of my friends and family... I just lately feel like I'm searching for SOMETHING... someone... somplace where my heart feels like this is where I'm meant to be... Looking back, I can't say I ever really felt it when I was married... which makes me sad.. but at least now I can call it what it is... I thought I had found the place my heart belonged last year; I thought I had found my 'perfection'... but even just now lookin back on all that that relationship was, I guess it wasn't all I thought either (ok, that is about as close as I will get right now to sayin that maybe, just maybe, I was clinging soo tightly to what I wanted to be true that I refused to see what wasn't)... I can say that I felt safer in my last relationship than I did in my marriage... but I can see, too, that it wasn't exactly the 'perfection' I wanted to believe it was, the 'perfection' I wanted everyone else to see. So I think that's a step too... hopefully it's a step in the right direction...

I also totally know that I don't need a  man to be happy... my worth, my value  doesn't come from being married or being single. I know that my value comes from God... I know that He is where my heart truly belongs... I know that I need to lean into Him, and ask Him to be whatever I need: friend, comforter, husband, listener... I apparently can be a never ending list of needy...

I know that I have things in my life.... I wouldn't call them character flaws really, but just areas where I need work.. areas that aren't all that they could be, should be... areas that fall short of what God is calling me for... Areas that HAVE to be dealt with before I can move on into ANY relationship that's worth anything. In a recent conversation with Veronica, I confessed to her that I don't want my girls to be like me... I don't want them to think, like I do, that they need a man to be happy, to be complete, to give them worth. Her response? "You have to show them to live their lives only for God... to be soo in love with Him that only the man He creates for them can even catch their attention... Teach them to search for God, not men." All together now... WHOA! I immediately started smiling, and cryin, and texted her back that I know that she meant that advice for me to use toward my girls, but she didn't know how much I needed that to use on myself...

So, in the interim... I've been thinking about what kinda life I would want my girls to imitate... what kinda relationships would I want them to want to have, in the scope of marriage? I would want them to take away from me that our worth comes from God... we are His priceless treasure... we are real life Princesses. I would want them to see that my relationships, and hopefully eventually a marriage relationship, brought glory and honor to God. It's amazing how much having kids makes me think about things in ways I never would have before.

All that roundy round to get back to the point that I can't help but feeling that I am meant to be married... I am meant to be someone's partner in life.... I keep having this dream... just about every single night... where I see my wedding... and not so much that I see it.. but that I can smell the flowers, the hair spray in my hair, the perfume I wear... I can feel the weight of the dress, the goosebumps when I enter the sanctuary for the first time, the excitement I get when I look down and see my groom... I can see the details so clearly, the details are always the same... from my maid of honor to my children, older, walking down as flower girls or junior bridesmaids...even seeing the month and date on a program... where I see my name.... the first couple times, before my last relationship ended I saw him at the end of the aisle, and he got clearer and clearer the closer I got.... but lately I can't make out the groom at all, other than he's there waitin on me, and he's tall (which could be anyone really since I'm a tad on the short side).... I can't make out his face at all... even the times I have seen the program with the date on it, I can make out my name and the other wedding party names, but never the groom's name. Strange...

Veronica tells me she thinks this dream may actually be a vision... I think she may be right... lately, I keep hearing a Tenth Avenue North song, EVERYTIME I start my car... I always seem to hone in on the line that says 'why are you still looking for love? why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?' Veronica, in her infinite wisdom, tells me that she thinks it's God tryin to tell me to be still, stop searching for other things, and learn to fully rely on Him, learn to only want Him... 'until you learn what ever God wants you to know, you're going to be alone' she says... And I think she's right!

I think God is tryin to show me that I need to quite searching, like He isn't enough for my life... I need to stop lookin for love... and become so in love with Him that it will take a super special man to get my attention. I think my dream is God's way of tellin me I will get married again, just not tomorrow... So, in the mean time... I have a love song for my someday husband and a list of manquirements...

Halloween 2012 (better late than never)

I'm finally getting around to getting the pictures from Halloween posted.... Better late than never right? At least that's what I tell myself, so we're just gonna go with it. Anyhows.... the company that I work for, as I have said before, loves to eat. We will use any excuse to party and have food. Halloween was no different. We were all invited to dress up in work appropriate costumes (which let me just say is a challenge!) and bring food to snack on. We even had a 'guess how many candy corns is in the pretty jar' contest....I am so not good at those things....

Speakin of work appropriate costumes... GEEZ! I am appalled frankly at the costumes available for women today! I mean...it doesn't help that I'm fluffier than I like.. but really I'm not all that sure that I would wear some of the options available today even if I wasn't! Is there a nice way to say that most of them looked like you belonged on the street corner? Trying to find one that wasn't all 'Oh, yes I have boobs and yes, here I'll show em to ya for free' or 'Oh, you like big butts, and you can not lie? Well have a peek at mine' was disheartening... I finally had decided I would wear Momma's leather motorcycle chaps and make myself a rodeo cowgirl sign and go as a cowgirl... That was after my dear friend Veronica had tried to save the day with a cowgirl costume she already had... I guess I should have been more terrified when she told me the name was, in fact, Shot Glass Cowgirl...

So.... I get to Momma's house Halloween morning, and go to try on the chaps (that were bought as a joke by the way, so no one has ever worn them.... at least that I know of).... yeah.... Well, they fit in the waist, so I was stoked about that (that was my concern really)... but holy schmoly! I don't know how big this person's legs were, but had I been able to wear them I surely would've lost a leg by the end of the day.... and the zipper on the other leg was broken anyways... so that was another no go... Momma finally saved the day and let me wear Daddy's old Navy uniform. So I went as a sailor... I have a whole new respect for the men in uniform! It was HOT.... and not 'ooh I'm so cute, I'm hot' like temperature HOT....

The group of us that dressed up for Halloween

 

Bear had a Halloween parade at her school, so she got to wear her octopus costume to school. She also took Great 'Gampa' with her as her "lunch date". She was so excited... And thankfully everyone knew what she was (I was worried about that). My biology teacher had canceled class that night so we could take our kiddos and enjoy Halloween... so after work I went to Momma's and got the girls ready to go to the Trunk or Treat at church.

 

Glenda the Good Witch and a baby Octopus

Bug was supposed to be Glenda the Good Witch... The dress was mine when I was younger. I was a flower girl in a wedding (yes, it was in the 80s).... and then I wore it for Easter in 89 I think.... Momma kept it all this time and finally gave me it and the dress I wore on the first day of school. The girls have been DYING to play in the fluffy 80s dress forever. So when Bug's owl costume idea got tanked, Momma had the idea to just buy her a crown and make her a princess... or try and find her a different witch hat and have her be a peach witch. So I took that idea and ran with it! And since Wizard of OZ is one of my all time favortie movies, Glenda the Good Witch was born.  

 

I put a spell on you
 



I'm super octopus woman!

First stop of the night

Bear made me give her 'Octopus hair'... I had no idea what that meant... but she wanted me to put 8 little pigtails all over her head... then she found Momma's stash of glittery barrettes and put those all over her head because 'Octopus have to have jewels Mommy'.... Where she comes up with this stuff, I have no idea... We stopped over at Great Grandma and 'Gampa's' house first because they wanted to see Bug all dressed up in her costume. After that, we headed off to Trunk or Treat. Let me just mention the challenge that was getting Octobear in her car seat... I didn't think of that when I agreed she could go as an octopus... but we got it figured out with only a minor fit.

At Trunk or Treat, Bug got a little upset because everyone kept callin her a princess. I guess the rest of the world is not up to par on their Wizard of Oz knowledge... or maybe the crown threw them off.... either way, she spent most of the night correcting people (like her momma, she can't let things go either....). Bear's costume was a huge hit! One guy even commented that it was the coolest thing he'd seen all night! That made my night, honestly...

We left Trunk or Treat and headed home... cold and tired, but it was soo much fun! The girls had a blast, and I only had a couple temporary lonely/freak out moments.... So that made for a good night I think. Truly, as much as it kills me to have to raise these little ones by myself, I am SO blessed. I am so thankful that these memories are mine, and mine only, and I don't have to share them with anyone else. I am hopeful that one day when my kids look back at their lives, and at the times when it was just us three.... they will look back and smile because it was just us three.... and they will know how much that time meant to me.... I hope that they will see that everything I did, everything I do, is because of them....

I'm dreamin... come wake me up....

Music speaks to me... really speaks to me.. to the point where I have to really watch what I let myself listen to. Music can either make me really really happy, and really really uplift me... or it can take me to dark places that I don't really like to go, it can make me depressed and sad, and make me think about things that I thought I was done with....

I go thru phases of what music I listen to, or I used to anyways...I used to listen to a lot of country music... and while I still love it... I have found that lately it makes me think about things I don't really want to think about... it takes me back to the second time my life got turned upside down... the second time someone claimed to love me, promised to never leave... and then left anyways... the second time I let someone in, and did what I always do... loved without reservation, without questions.... lately country reminds me of that person, and I just can't... I just can't go there... it hurts too much...

So, I've been making  a concentrated effort to only listen to uplifting music, or music that doesn't make me think about the painful things... music that doesn't bring up the memories that used to make me smile so much, and now make me wanna grab a box of tissues and a carton of Ben and Jerry's and hide in my closet... So it's been Christian radio, or worship CDs in the car.. and Rick and Bubba talk radio or Dave Ramsey on my radio at work... But the last 2 days, my radio at work has crapped out, and the only station I've been able to get is the local country station.... Are you kiddin me right now?? Nope.... so... I've been strugglin thru the days.. because country music is far better than no music to me honestly.. and if I were to be totally honest, it hasn't been THAT much of a struggle.. I've been busy, and I've done a pretty good job of tuning it out....

Until today... EVERY. SONG. TODAY. makes me think about things... makes me remember... and more than once I've had to run to the bathroom to wash my face because I've worked myself up so much. I shouldn't have worn makeup today, that's how bad it's been LOL! Really, music to me is a blessing and a curse the way it has the power to move me so...

So.. this song (below) by Rascall Flatts... Come Wake Me Up.. pretty well speaks what I feel at the moment.... well, except for the drinking and smoking bits... but just the emotion of it... When I'm busy, and going, and have things to do... when life is all crazy and wound up and loud, then it drowns out my thoughts, my memories, my hurt... but at night, when the girls go to bed, and I'm alone... that's when it hits me and I can barely keep my head above water...



I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming

Sometimes, this rebuilding I'm tryin to do sucks... and it's hard, and I wanna just give up... And I feel alone.. and like no one knows the struggle I go thru... Part of that is my own fault, because I don't want to be found lacking, I don't want people to know how much I'm hurting.. I want people to think I've got it all together, even though I so don't...

Then I heard this line... 'I'm afraid of changin cuz I built my life around you'... again from another song... and it hit me like a ton of bricks... In my marriage, and the relationship that followed.. I built my life around those men... I built my life around the wrong thing! It wasn't fair to them, it's not fair to me... I am afraid of change... Terrified, frozen... but I'm getting there.. slowly I'm becoming less afraid of change... My life is changing, has changed, in tremendous ways! And hard as it is, hard as it has been, nothing has killed me yet.... So maybe I just need to keep puttin one little foot in front of the other and keep moving forward in this life. Build my life on God, be soo in love with Him that nothing will take His place... that is a struggle for me.... but I'm tryin to get better....

12 lbs lighter... again....

I know I know.... I said I would post about the girls' Halloween... and I so will.... I just have to get the pictures off my camera and onto the computer and onto the blog (I even have pictures for it!).... I promise I will get on that this week...maybe even tonight if we are lucky...

As you may remember in this post, I mentioned that part of my 3 year plan is to loose some weight before graduation. My doctor has been on me to get this under control, and I have noticed that the heavier I get the worse I feel.... and I am not even the heaviest I have ever been (thank the Lord)! Add to my list of posts with pictures one that includes pictures of the progress....

When I was pregnant with Bear, I got up to 200lbs! At only five foot tall, you can imagine how whale-ish I must have looked.... It was scary, and scarier still is that I didn't realize I was that large... In fairness, I was pregnant and was all belly... from behind you couldn't tell I was pregnant (other than the prego lady waddle). After Bear was born, I immediately went back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was still 180!) and I was happy as a clam... or at least I acted like I was.

See, I had never been heavy... not until I had kids and didn't really care what I ate or if I worked out or anything. As long as my husband still thought I was cute, I figured I was golden. Plus, losing weight is tough... and I don't really like to do tough stuff.... So, internally I struggled with being 'fluffy' and not liking myself....

In August of 2010, I decided it was time to 'get serious' (yeah right...) and had a friend who had lost 80lbs while her husband was deployed. I got all motivated, bought new cute work out clothes, found a friend with an extra copy of the Insanity workout videos, and took 'before' pictures and measurements.... I was shocked! I was sitting at 196lbs.... 4lbs less than when I had delivered Bear.... I cried.. and then sat down and ate cheesecake....  So much for motivation....

In September of 2010, my husband of  9 years walked out.... I was crushed.... that is another painful post that I am not really ready to get into... but long story short, the girls and I left Texas in November. As I was packing up my house, I tripped over the scale in my bathroom... I figured what the heck, and stepped on it for the first time since August... to my surprise I had gone from 196 to 174! I was stoked! I took pictures to track my progess and started a 'Transformation' album on Facebook.... I sent them to my momma and asked if she could tell a difference.... I had found my motivation again! I could see a difference in my pictures, and my friends had started noticing as well.

I made a goal called "Operation 30 by 30" which was basically I wanted to lose another 30lbs by my 30th birthday in May. And by February of 2011, I was down to 165. And I was so excited and motivated! But, then I started working... and I wasn't living with Momma and Daddy anymore.... and I had a hard time making working out a priority... and then the company I work for LOVES to eat... we have food parties for EVERYTHING.... add to that a new relationship and a knee injury, and the weight slowly crept back up. I had totally stopped working out, I had totally stopped watching what I ate. I figured my pants still fit (barely) and my new boyfriend wasn't complaining about how I looked (really) so I must be fine....

In January 2012, I started going back to school... and worrying about weight and working out and eating right really flew out the window... I mean, really it was more like I tossed it out while flying down the interstate at 90 miles an hour.... In March I had to have my gall bladder removed. As my doctor was telling me the 'Four F's' they look for when ruling out gall bladder, I hit all but 1 of them... The 'Four F's' by the way are Female, Fertile, Forty, and Fat.... yeah... the only one I didn't hit was Forty.... hearing your doctor try nicely to get around telling you that you are fat isn't pleasant, just sayin... and I have the most socially awkward doctor on the planet (but he's great and I love him!).... I weighed in at the hospital on the day of surgery at 183.... I cried... and I thought 'ok, this is it... you have got to get a grip and get this weight off'... but after I got out of the hospital, I did nothing.... I made it thru the first semester of school and thought I was doing good.... I broke down and bought bigger jeans, and I had scrubs in my closet that I couldn't wear anymore because they were uncomfortable and I couldn't squeeze myself into them anymore... but I thought things were great... no one was telling me I was fluffy (except my doctor, and really what does he know), and my boyfriend still told me I was beautiful....

Then in May, a few days before summer semester at school started back, my year long relationship ended... and I was crushed again... My first thought was 'if I could get this weight off, then maybe that will help win him back'... (pathetic... I know...) I struggled thru that summer semester and when I finally got brave enough to step on my scale I saw 188lbs.... I had nearly gained back all the weight I lost in 2010.... Again.. I cried (I'm starting to see a pattern here...) but this time I am determined to do something more than cry about it!

I get that there is nothing wrong with me... the way I look has nothing to do with my marriage falling apart, or my latest relationship ending. I get that, but I forget that alot too. I'm working on that... I just know that if I were to be 100% totally honest, I would have to say that I haven't been happy with myself in a long time.... I haven't liked the way I looked for a while... and I haven't felt good either, physically and mentally. I want to be a healthy example for my kids... I want to be around to see them have grow up and get married and have kids... I want to embarrass them because I am their mom, not because of how fluffy I am....

And for the first time since my weight became an issue in my brain, I actually prayed about it.... and I felt God tell me 'You CAN do this, but you have to let ME help you'. And as of yesterday (about a month into the 'time to get serious for reals') I have lost 12 pounds! And my dad noticed! I still have a ways to go, but I'm going... it's coming off, and I am excited!




Eww... so I basically lost 2 of these so far....

 Just a picture... to remind myself of what I've accomplished so far... and to hopefully keep me from going back...