Sorry there won't be any pictures in this post. Still working on the whole 'remember you're a blogger now and have to document EVERY. SINGLE. thing in pictures' deal... And then I also need to remember that I am 'a blogger' now and I really do have things that need to get out of my head somehow... So, it's been since August...
Don't think I haven't over analyzed anything since my last post, or that nothing worthwhile has happened since the last one either. It's just, I am soooo critical of my writing (remember I admitted to being a perfectionist) and I want to come off like the me in real life when it's read not someone who's trying hard to be something they aren't.... yeah, again over analyzing....
So.... for starters, Bug started gymnastics this month. She has been hounding me to take gymnastics, play softball, be a vet, dance and learn to drive for a little while now... I have been dragging my feet because I was afraid I would spend the money and then she would either quit, threaten to quit, or not pay enough attention thus driving me to make her quit (hey she's 5, I put nothing past her. NOTHING). Well, Momma decided it might be helpful for the lil's to have something to do in the evenings while I'm at school and they are hanging out with Poppa *read: something that will wear them out and make them go to bed*... Around this time, we watched the Olympics with Bug and she fell farther in love with gymnastics. Anyone else watch the Olympics as a child, then RUN outside to pretend that they were Shannon Miller, or Kim Zmeskal?? Oh, wait, just me... Ok... I'll take coolsville, population one then.... Anyhow, Bug is enamored with gymnastics. So we sign her up, and she beams so big from the back seat of the car, and tells me "Momma! You're gonna see me on the TV one day!" :) girl seriously makes my heart bigger, I'm just sayin!
Since Bug was going to be taking gymnastics, Bear had to do something (I mean I have to be fair right??).... only Bear doesn't want to take gymnastics.... You're kiddin me, right?! Every other time she wants to be right where Bug is, doing whatever Bug is doing... and then this time, nothing..... Great.. now what?? Well, I had noticed that Bear twirls EVERYTHING... curtain rods, sticks, hairbrushes, the little hoop baton at Momma's house... and really, she looks like she has some natural talent going on there! So I think 'that would be perfect for Bear!' Well, yeah it would be if Bear was about 3 years older... again, you're kiddin me right?! I mean holy schmoly, we start grooming gymnasts as soon as they can walk but we can't teach a 3 year old to twirl a stick without knockin her teeth out? Anybody?? Yeah, nobody... so... Bear watches Angelina Ballerina EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and decided that she wants to be a ballerina. OK! So we sign her up for dance and she LOVES it!
I'm seriously hoping that Bug is more flexible than I was, and that Bear doesn't have to try as hard as I did to dance... Ok Ok! I really hope that neither of my children are as rhythmically challenged as I was growin up! It was embarrassing! Still is, because you know parents never forget, and heaven forbid any of my shenanigans were caught on tape (which most of them were... thank you child of the 90s...). So, so far both girls are loving their after school activities, and I am trying to hide the fact that I cry on the nights I have to go to school because I feel like I miss so much.
I realize this hurt is only temporary... but Lord, I'm done... I'm seriously almost out of the duck tape and mascara I use to keep myself from exploding into teeny little pieces... although it just hit me that maybe, just maybe I need to stop trying to so hard to hold it all together and just be ok with God blowing me up... I mean, isn't that how bigger, better things get built up? Stay with me a minute.. think about the run down houses or shopping malls you sometimes see on the sides of the road (or maybe you see them a ton, depending on where you live)... what happens when someone new buys the land underneath them and wants to build something different, better... They haul a big ole wrecking ball in that mess and tear it down! Or ok, sometimes maybe they use dynamite and blow it up... either way the old gets demolished, busted up, and cleared away, and soon there is something new and different in its place. I think that's how God works (at least in MY life anyhow...)... Trust me, I fight so hard to keep my layers of duck tape and mascara, because demolition is scary! Really! You want me to just give up on what I WANT, You want me to let You bust up my pretty (ugly) duck tape ball, the duck tape ball I have spent years and years and years rolling, shaping, hiding? But what if, when all is said and done we can't find all the little bits that were there? Wait, there is no 'we'... only You?? Wait God, did You forget that I'm a bit of a control freak, a planner, a worrier... I have to know everything that is going to happen before it happens so I won't be upset, let down, or surprised... Oh, You know that... and You still want me to give you my beloved tape ball life, so You can take a wreckin ball to it? Umm... ok, but what happens if You can't find all the pieces to put back together they way I had them, won't that leave a scar or an empty space?? Oh, it might.... Oh, You're going to sit back and watch me make a huge mess with my tape ball, or worse yet (eek!) run out of duck tape??
The thing is God doesn't ask us to do things that aren't ultimately in our best interest, that aren't ultimately going to help us get to where He has planned for us. I know, for me it's giving up my tape ball and mascara, and trying to not cringe in fear or jerk it back while He takes it all apart. I have to just trust that, even though it hurts, and somedays I think 'God just take me home, because surely surely death would be easier to get thru than this hurt', even though there will be a scar.... God's cleaning up the mess, clearing the way for something bigger and more beautiful than I can picture... And maybe, just maybe a teeny little scar will be easier to cover up than this huge ball of duck tape and crusty mascara I'm trying to pack around...
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